Dr. Cox's tongue-lashing #3

Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh?

I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does - chicks, money, power and chicks.

She's the devil, Newbie. Don't look in her eyes, she might steal your soul

And you, you one-man freakshow, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-psychologist, because if you are so stupid to confront the chief of medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just gotta go ahead and change the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.

No, trust me, there's not. Listen, missie, I want you to spread the word. I've... had... enough! The next whiney intern coming to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aïsha, I'm going to hurt him

You'd better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I'm gone forever, then the only one you're going to be able to contend with around here is yourself. And when you really get to know *that* person, oh, dear God, you'll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep

They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good

Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job

I think you're right, I do. It's partly because you've gotten to know me this year, but mostly it's that well... I told you I was afraid earlier today... so please don't tell me you've come to reiterate things that I've already said, because I know the things that I've already said, in fact... I'm the one who said them.

No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair

Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?

Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?---Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...and bam! They got a bucket on their head, and they're plowing right through your brand new flat screen TV---The point is... Newbie is my drunk baby

Nobody talk, just drink

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man Not Caring

Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was

The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body.

Oh, my God! I care so little, I almost passed out!

...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were

Okay, think of what little patience I have as... oh, I don't know... your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends... well, he dropped by, and he brought a copy of "About Last Night" and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now

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